perspecting

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And I know you’re going somewhere to make a better life
I hope that you find it on the first try
And even though it kills me that you have to go
I know it’ll be sadder if you never hit the road
Farewell - Rihanna

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Heart broken, back-raped, and under attack from saliva

So here it goes. I’m at downtown, alone, with a thou in my pocket. Have nothing better to do so, figured I’d grab myself an “Iceberg Milkshake” from the overpriced dekaneh next to Rotana Cafe and sit with my thoughts for a little while. Of course, where else to sit down other than Daraj el Hob. God, there’s a couple on the bench right next to mine making out as we speak- well, as I type. I used to love this place, the ruins, the gardens, the silence, it’s beautiful. But today it’s only melancholic for me.

I was in a serious relationship- my first. It was beautiful. And although it ended two weeks ago and Adele has been my best friend since, I still think it’s beautiful; was beautiful. They say first loves don’t last long and if they do they won’t really be that significant. But, I think we were different- but obviously, everyone says that. Regardless, he was someone I will never forget. The past almost-two years were fucking awesome. There were problems and definitely times were we just wanted to strangle each other. Sure. But, there were also times -many times- were we just would melt into each other’s eyes; almost literally. Cliché, I know but it truly was magical.

He was an angel and I haven’t -nor think I will- ever meet someone like him. His heart was so pure and he was so selfless. 7ayete. So cute, so lovable that thinking about him just reminds of how much I miss hugging him. He would tell me to Hagen Daz him whenever he felt like a hug. Then I would- his hands always over my neck and mine around his waist. He’d tell me “tighter” and I would squeeze him harder. Sometimes he’d even wiggle his cute butt for me, look up at me and smile. God his smile! I’m smiling now thinking about it…and now the couple next to me think I’m weird, like having opened my laptop here and began to frantically type wasn’t enough!

But it had to end. Sometimes it’s best to leave things when they’re still good. And although we were not perfect, we still were good. The love hadn’t turned into bitterness yet and I guess he was smart to end it before it did. It’s a shocker nevertheless. I keep asking myself if this is really it. We’ve been on breaks and breakups that never really lasted more than 2 days before, but this time it’s different. Everything is proving otherwise. That this is it; it’s real; I’m single …and so is he. But still, it’s taking me a while to actually register that fact. But besides this, I’ve been taking it pretty well. MUCH better than I expected. I guess what’s helping is the fact that I’m actually convinced about the breakup. Aww freaked-out couple are kissing..okay, that just turned nasty. Anyways, yeah, I am convinced which makes things much easier, like I understand that this just has to be and that there’s nothing I can do about it. Also, since we both still love each other (and have said that to one another during the break up talk), there is no bitterness of any sort. The love is still there with no doubt- from both ends. But, sadly it just wasn’t working even though we tried to fix things so many times before. I don’t think this is us giving up and taking the easier route. We really have tried - a lot - but things just did not work out.

These benches seriously need to have backs- too uncomfortable. Then again, many benches are backless- just like me at the moment. I can’t feel my back it’s seriously gone numb. So yeah, the breakup, its good, it’s weird, it’s bad but it needed to happen and hopefully things get better for the both of us. I really do wish him the best. And I say that with all my heart, this man deserves so much and to be honest, he deserved better than me. I’m not all that bad, but no where as good as I am supposed to be in order to be in a relationship with him. Come to think of it, I’m much like those hideous colored lights they fixate on the ruins here. Like seriously, this is how you enhance textures of ruins that are still standing since antiquity? Honor them with red, green, and blue lights? Disco fever, much? Well maybe I’m not THAT bad but still, he deserved better and it breaks my heart to say this but, I hope he gets it as soon as possible.


Okay my back’s killing me. And Mr. and Mrs. Nasty haven’t stopped swapping spit and giving me weird looks on the breaks they take to catch their breath for the next round. So I’m gonna bounce.

 

Love,

Heart broken, back-raped, and under attack from saliva.

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Time to sleep

It’s almost 1 AM and probably like every other design student overnighting the feelings of dread, lethargy, and passiveness are beginning to ooze in. I’ve always been a top student. Always been the teacher’s pet and have even become an Honor’s student. But still, today I think it would be best for me to ignore my projects and get some sleep. It hasn’t exactly been a fun week. But more on that later.

May God save my ass tomorrow, good night.